Twilight 2: the quest for the vampire library
by imcool111
Summary: in a time and place on the brink of destiny can a humble programmer and his loyal sidekick stand up to all that is evil?
1. Chapter 1

chapter 1: the sun rises in london

it was very curious story how "janek", the netherlands person, ended up in uk. getting to uk is near impossible, with constant storms battering the coast and no good tourist destination, it was assumed that wanting to go to UK is impossible.

but there he was, doing programming and eating a croissant on one rainy morning. his friend, a tall very handsome british man, said "good morrow to you!" in his attractive deep voice.

"nothing much what about you" replied thej janek

"oh nothing im just thinking of visitng edward today to ask if i can be a vampire because its never sunny in uk anyway" he said in voice sexier than beyonce's. by now you realize this man is boris johnson, mayor of london.

"cool id like to come with to see if the vampires have any c++ textbook in their vampire library because they're very old"

and so boris jonhson and janek set off to find answers from the vampire once and for all. they went into the deepest bowels of london, all the way to the beig ben, to find the vampires.

but they have to be very careful. british people are scared of vampire, and british policeman will kill you if they think you're a vampire. alll was going well until... 


	2. Chapter 2

chapter 2: the skies are overcast in london

"oi! bwebwe bwe" it was rurssell brand and he was angry because boris johnson tries to check if he's a vampire.

"oi! you can't just check me if i'm a vampire fackin'." said russell, very angrily.

"golly gosh if you're not a vampire stand in the sunlight" boris johnson said, clearly outspoken.

"oi! ok." russial brand quuickly stepped into the sunlight and dissapated into a cloud of vampire dust because he was dead

"vampire dust cool. we must be getting close to the vampires lair for russell brand to be out during daytime" janek said

"how do u know that, fellow" boris jonsen sayed

"i just googled it on my brand new apple ipad i bought it for only 399.00 including VAT and shipping"

"cool thats a good deal youd have to be an idiot not to buy apple products"

but for once the apple product wasn't only there because apple paid to have it advertised. it was correct - they were very close to where the british vampires housed themselves.

janek's vampire tracking app on his ipad was bleeping furiously. "it says the vampire is right here - but that can't be right". 


	3. Chapter 3

chapter 3: everyone dies

boris johnson looked up. "yes the app must be outdated. that's the houses of parliament, there haven't been any vampires there for almost 2,000 years. o well lets take a look"

they walked in the house of parliament to find a horrible scene. all the evil leaders in history - david cameron, tony blair, the queen, president mugabe, hitler, kim jong il, count vladimir putin, genghis khan, mayor quimby, dick dastardly &amp; muttley were all conspiring against the UK while eating peasants because they were vimpires who needed to eat people to live.

"good morrow boris gonson" said the king of england. "i trust you've bought us more peasants to feast upon."

"boris you fucking traitor i hope you get shot in the head" janek said in disgust while playing draw my thing on his ipad air which was 20% off this week only.

"no, this can't be right. what do you mean your majesty, i didn't know you were a vampuire"

"well you see boris. remember every time someone got on the bus without a bus pass? every time they said good morrow without permission? you sent them to jail, but really we just eated them. so you're the evil one."

"bloody oaf, i won't let you get away with this!" boris johnson said. he increased his power level to kaioken x5 and punched dick dastardly in the face so hard that his brain shot out his ass and killed muttley.

but he used most of his power in 1 attack and kim jong il's chi was very strong because he performed fusion dance with kung fu padna to become kim jong un. realizing the danger, janek took the opportunity to tell the world what happened on his twitter. 


	4. Chapter 4

chapter 4: the final battle of good and evil

all the good people in the universe retweeted it and were moved by what was going on. god, moses, leroy jenkins, super mario bros, godzilla, squidward, postman pat and his black and white cat, george washington, the three stooges, kermit frog, kanye west everyone was there to kick the shit from british people.

"give it up gay boys, you're about to get fucked by christianity" said jesus christ.

but the not so savory types also checked their twitters... the devil, ted bundy, jack the ripper, kony 2012, plankton, team rocket, the wacky racers, slenderman, atilla the hun, gandhi and all their friends showed up to beat jesus up in the final battle.

"this is it. the final battle between good and evil. if you all die you lose and christianity dies forever." said the devil

and so they all started punching each other. it was a battle that tore apart britain, and lasted a million years - burney the dinosaur committed an unnumbered amount of molestation during the confusion, postman pat's cat developed a taste for human flesh and had to be put down. eventually everyone died because kim jong il dropped a nuclear bomb. even god and the devil could not withstand the blast.

only boris johnson, and voldemort left standing. "this is the part where you say good morrow!" boris johnson said, preparing spirit bomb to throw at voldemort.

"boris johnson, the boy who lived... good morrow for you... FOREVER!" volemort shouted. "AVADA KEDAVRA" then a flash of green light blew boris johnson into a million pieces. by the time his giblets rained down on the floor of the house of parliament, the 8,000 year old legendary immortal mayor of london was finally dead. the whole world wept for him -

\- but all was not lost. janek, the guy who everyone had forgotten at the start of the fight because he was from netherlands, was laying on the floor, dying from radiation poisoning of the nuclear bomb. he saw a bright light and the spirit of steve jobs was next to him. "you were good kid, you were real good, maybe even the best. your ipad survived the nuclear blasts because ipads are very durable"

janek's breathing was shallow. he hacked and coughed while he tried to talk. "i bet windows and android tablets would not survive a nuclear blast. at least i can die knowing i got good value for my money."

"yes the apple ipad is excellent. its expensive but its worth it." said steve jobs. "but the main issue here is, voldemort is going to bring 10,000 yearso f darkness to hogwarts. you need to reprogram hitler's space sattelite that he used to boil the jews to kill voldemort"

"ok" said janek and he reprogrammed it using the hitler satellite reprogramming app which came free with the ipad. the satellite concentrated the sun's energy and evaporated voldemort.

in the end everyone died, scotland didn't get their independence and the world carried on as it always had. a very popular book was wrote about what happened, but some of the names were changed. i think the book is called "the bible", its really good and you should read it. also if you're reading this and you are apple please contact me i will give you my and you can send me money because i put you in my book.

THE END 


End file.
